This Peace Corps Stuff is HARD

I have repeatedly commented in my blog posts and emails that many of my experiences “remind me why I am here.” And in reading that, one might ask, “But why, Erin, must you be reminded of your purpose being in Kenya?” Well, this is because if I do not have reminders of all the positives of my life here, then the challenges would seem insurmountable. That may seem like a depressing statement, but it is not intended to be such. As my good friend and fellow Volunteer Carly put it best, “We signed up for a challenge. And that’s what we are getting!” This truly is what I want out of, not only this experience, but life; I cannot let myself forget that.

The reason I want to talk about some of my challenges here is two fold: it always helps me to talk through difficulties, and I want to paint an accurate picture of my life. The accuracy with which I illustrate my experiences is not only a reflection of the disclosure with which I want to approach keeping a blog, but also for the sake of anyone reading this who may be considering Peace Corps service. To those people, I would advise: If everything you read about Peace Corps and people’s experiences as Volunteers- the good and the bad- fuel your desire to sign up more and more, even just a little, then I say go for it! Because (and no, Peace Corps did not ask me to say this…it is free publicity) this experience truly is ‘the toughest job you’ll ever love,’ as the public relations department so accurately crafted in the organization’s tag line.

As I am settling into life in Kenya and my site, the adrenaline and novelty of this experience are wearing off. And the initial challenges I knew I would face, such as the changes in lifestyle (living situation, language, attire, gender role, etc.) are turning out to be the easiest challenges to work through. I suppose rather than minimizing those hurdles, I should acknowledge them as ‘overcome.’ But then that leaves room for new challenges to emerge…and new challenges there are!

I’ll start with the most obvious of my challenges: being white. In America, it’s not politically correct to talk about race or ethnicity. Luckily for me, though, my experiences in South Africa broke down my hesitations to talk about issues of race; so recognizing the role my skin color plays in the way people perceive me is not an entirely new concept. It is exhausting to walk down the street every day and be called, ‘Mzungu’ (white person) by screaming kids and well-meaning adults alike. It is exhausting to be approached with outstretched hands and voices saying, “Give me money” or “Give me sweets.” It is exhausting to feel like every move you make, every thing you wear, every thing you say, and every thing you do is being observed. I never realized how much I would miss the ability to just disappear into a crowd or be able to walk down the street with no one noticing I am even there.

I also never realized the significance my nationality would play in my personal identity. I never thought much about being an American. I just was. But more and more, I realize what being American really means to me, and how my upbringing in America, and more specifically in the socio-economic class I was privileged enough to experience, makes me who I am. And most importantly in realizing this identity, I am realizing that in my process to start my new life in Kenya, there is no reason for me to compromise any part of what makes me who I am. This might seem like an obvious statement, but for me it was not so clear until I started to live it.

In expressing some of my frustrations with the differences of life in Kenya from life in America with a previous Volunteer, she empowered me with the reminder that I do not need to compromise my values, my work ethic, my opinions, my cultural beliefs, and my social views to adjust to living in another country. When I first came here, I think a part of me believed that if I could adapt Kenyan ways of doing things, my life here would be easier and better. That is not entirely true. Yes, respect and tolerance for cultural differences is imperative to understanding and enjoying a society and cultural other than those of your native country. But one of the missions of Peace Corps is a two-way cultural exchange and education. And for me to uphold my end of that deal, I must stay true to myself and my Americanism. It is extremely empowering to be validated in preserving who I am and knowing that the value that my identity holds far outweighs the benefits of changing inherent characteristics to align with my surroundings.

Although this does not come close to exhausting the trials I confront in my new life here, they can hopefully contribute to painting an accurate picture of my experience. It is interesting to reflect on what I have learned to date, in summary: I should never try to change who I am…but who I am will pose inescapable challenges on a daily basis. Interesting paradox, huh?